Any sort of attachment has always caused me distress. Thus, from a young age, I disciplined myself, prepared mentally to not get attached to feelings, people or things. Take things at their face value, never keep expectations. It made life much simpler. I enjoyed my school & college years fairly, made lot of friends, befriended many girls. Only that I never attached to any.
Then life took a turn, I let one feeling to get better of me. I let one desire to dictate my actions. I fell in love, expressed to that person, and pursued her to the moon and back. I wanted her to love me back. I wanted intimacy, intellectual and physical. I expected her to understand me. Stupidity, lack of any logic in my actions and words, blindness towards reality were what followed. I haven’t yet recovered from its damages. A constant heartache still wraps me, sleeping or awake, among friends or alone, at home or at work, nothing soothes it ever.
My parent like any other Indian parents wants me to get married, have a family. I keep denying they keep pushing. Only if they knew, only if I could tell them. But again, that wouldn’t fix anything, they would then push even harder make me get married to a stranger. Which I cannot, not at any cost. I wouldn’t allow anyone make me feel so weak and wasted again, I wouldn’t let anyone to control over me again. I’ve learnt better than to submit to those desires again. I cannot let any person to take me to those places again. Love is mirage, it is a dream that will never be realized. Touch of love I would never experience. This lost, lonely, sorry life will end one day in anonymity for good.
Wave of Thoughts 