How strange, paradoxical, ironic is it that.. the heart that loves someone so truly, so profoundly can also feel rage and hate so deeply for the very same person.
Yes, life can feel almost paradoxical sometimes. The same heart that loves deeply can also feel anger, hurt, or even hate with the same intensity. It sounds so wrong that people who haven’t experienced it yet, specially the young folks would not only disagree but altogether reject it and even call you (or your feelings) fake. But if you are among one’s who have been through it, are still going through it, you know what I’m talking about.
If you ask a philosopher, they might say, “this is what being human is”. This is how human emotions functions. When you love someone immensely:
– You become vulnerable.
– You attach meaning to their words and actions.
– You care deeply about how they affect you.
And that same depth is what makes the opposite emotions so powerful. The stronger the attachment, the stronger the reaction when you feel betrayed, ignored, hurt, or disappointed. Love and hate aren’t always opposites — sometimes they’re just two extremes of the same emotional investment.
I for all that matters, am living these emotions everyday of life for so long now. It’s been years that she chose someone else (she is happily married, and likely living the life of her dreams.. and I’m so glad for that, it is exactly what I always wanted. Only that, I wanted her to have all that and for me to have her. For me she was synonyms to love, dream, happiness, safe place, my everything.), but there never is any day when her thoughts do not cross my mind. Sometimes its love and yearning, at other times is sadness and loneliness and at yet other times its anger, and suppressed rage.. Whatever it may be but the ache is always there; she is always there. Over time after churning, self-analysing my thoughts, my feelings countless times and criticising myself so many times for thinking ill of her; what I’ve realised is often what feels like hate is actually:
– Hurt that hasn’t been healed.
– Love that feels rejected.
– Expectations that were broken.
– Or longing that has nowhere to go.
You don’t feel this way because you’re bad person or your love wasn’t true. You feel this way because you cared. Because you attached expectations to that person, to that relationship.
It may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But according to philosophy and science ( human psychology), there is. If you can find someone who loves you, cares about you; nothing better than that. Until that happens, the solution is to first stop analysing to critiquing your emotions, let them flow and instead of holding on to them divert yourself in other things, exercise, talk with friends or even small talk with strangers. Make new friends, go out, experience the nature and give your brain a little time to heal.
I hope you find that light greeting you at the end of the tunnel. I hope you find that one person who loves you and cares you the way you deserve.
Wave of Thoughts 